Listening - Set a Low Bar, then Enjoy Surprises
This past fall I posted a newsletter about “Ben,” a gray-haired, new guy at our gym. He was noteworthy as he sported a foul, politically charged tee-shirt the first time I saw him. “The Initial Connection” recounts my attempt at communicating with him, maybe a couple weeks after I’d seen him initially.
A few things about Ben
Over the past few months or so, I’ve spoken with Ben maybe a half-dozen times. I’ve learned that he’s a retired tradesman who doesn’t smile much. He likes to go out west, skiing a couple times a year, but he also likes to mix it up by going down to Central America where he owns one house, is “building” another, and has a very young local woman to keep him company.
A couple of months ago, when I asked if he was planning to travel over the Thanksgiving holiday, he shared that he was going down to Florida to help his brother clear out their mother’s house as she had died less than a year ago. During one of our discussions, he got a phone call, and he apologized to me as he answered it and walked into the adjoining room. When he came back, he admitted that he has been off the bottle for ten years now. The caller was a friend who’s struggling to do the same. Ben’s somewhat of a mentor for him and agreed to call him when he left the gym.
NOW, fast forward to a week ago as my wife and I entered the gym. Fox “News” was blaring on the gym’s largest TV, and Ben was the only consumer. I heard the “news” commentator make an outlandish and scary claim as I passed by and made a mental note to do some fact-checking when I got home. As I walked by Ben, I stole his attention to say hi, and then we both went about our business of trying to flatten out “the aging curve.”
A little while later he joined me in the back room of the gym. As he grabbed some dumbbells I asked, “So how’s it been going?” He hesitated, but I could see the gears turning. Listening 101 would suggest that I wait more than a few seconds before interjecting anything. But it was too painful to watch. So, I caved and threw him what I thought would be an easy multiple-choice question to get the stalled conversation rolling.
“Are you going to be headed west, or to the deep south anytime soon?” After another couple seconds he very slowly divulged, “I’ve been having some health issues.” Without going into the specifics of what he described, let me just say that he was being evaluated for several overlapping disorders by a local physician. Having been a primary care provider for decades, I knew that every one of his dis-eases has been well-researched and are indeed potentially life-threatening. But it’s also been well-established that they are clearly exacerbated by stress! Before I even got a chance to express those thoughts, he added - “AND, I just feel stressed all the time.”
I really don’t think that he had acknowledged the connection between his multiple health problems and the stress that he was immersed in. He put his weights back in the rack and approached me. I explained that this wasn’t just a natural aging thing that he was going through; he had plenty of ways to influence the downward spiraling of his health.
I thought this might be a grand opportunity to mention that he was actually feeding his problem. When asked about how much he watches Fox “news” at home, he admitted that it was on a fair bit but “just” in the background, like when he’s preparing meals. I asked if Fox mainly aired “happy stuff?” Though four feet away, he seemed genuinely confused by my question. I didn’t want to muddle the waters any further by asking about Newsmax or OAN.
I explained that the purpose of profit-driven news channels was to keep people engaged, enraged and always yearning for more - kind of like with an addiction.
Sensing some skepticism on his part, I asked if he had ever fact-checked anything that he heard on Fox, or for that matter, anywhere. He obviously had no idea what I was talking about as he asked, “How would I do what?” I first explained that if someone on any “news” service or online says something that seems absurd or sensational, it is worth sorting out fact from fiction. There are so many legitimate things to be concerned about in 2024, no need to worry about drummed up non-issues.
Then I went on to explain how to fact check - first Google “Fact-Checker” or “Snopes” because they both provide sources and spare no one when it comes to calling out BS - liberal or conservative. It can certainly rock the boat which contains our pre-conceived notions, and our over-simplified talking points. But it can also be a lifesaver when it comes to sorting out facts from fabrication. Ben asked me how to spell Snopes and I obliged before addressing his news addiction. I never even touched the dangers of the endless confirmation bias which he was strengthening every day.
We talked for another five minutes about how damaging a constant infusion of negativity and fear-stoking news can be on our sense of well-being. It’s not healthy, and it’s not even appropriate because so much of the angst is falsely generated by wealthy, powerful people who care only about benefitting themselves.
When we parted, I felt a little bit encouraged. Ben may be a bit socially withdrawn, but he got to unload some of his heavy-duty concerns on a listening ear.
He just might make an effort to cut down on his news consumption. Going cold turkey wouldn’t be wise with such a strong addiction. And he just might do a fact check when he reads the story of Biden hosting a cannibal barbeque at the White House.
We can only hope.
Please let me know what aspect of - our division or our connecting with each other - you’d like to see me address this February - via the red “comment” button below.
Addendum 11 am 1/26/24 -Any of my preceding posts might offer other types of directions where a new post might go, as opposed to just this politically charged post.
I assume there will be lots of requests so my staff will be standing by. The lucky winner will be picked from a hat by my lovely show hostess, Emily, on Thursday February 1st. So, keep those cards and letters coming. Multiple submissions permitted. This is your big chance!
Many thanks, Mark
80/20, Mark. It's always worth looking of the 80% or what we have in common. One of my good friends here is a cranky old guy who loves nothing more than bating people with political snark. So I decided to give it right back at him, grin, and give him a big man hug. Sure, he still tries to bait, but now he grins and knows that all hell get from me is friendship, and that's my idea of fun.
Thanks for sharing this story, Mark. I’m always so impressed by your dedication to seeing past the surface of people and situations. I hope your gym friend can stop watching/reading the mainstream news. I stopped about 6 years ago and my happiness levels have gone right up!