Before a single word is offered, uttered, or fired at a prospective listener, there is some agenda involved. The words that initiate any conversation may be carelessly spewed or well thought out, even to the point of being part of a strategy. An example of the first would be a comment to a life-long partner or an established friend. In those situations, there’s a relationship-associated buffer to help us should poorly chosen words escape.
And then there’s the new guy at our gym. I’d seen the sixtyish-year-old guy two times over a few weeks and remembered his “F*ck Biden” tee-shirt. It suggested to me that he might not be an intellectual and was therefore approachable. Yesterday, as he entered the gym, I noticed he was dressed up in a plain, faded orange shirt.
At the time, I was having a friendly, though lively discussion with Vinny, a nearby treadmill neighbor. He had just claimed that “the FDA admitted that the covid vaccines were killing lots of young men” - which I subsequently fact-checked several places and found to be false! However, as the tee-shirt model walked past and sat down at one of the nearby machines, I’m sure he overheard Vinny and me talking about vaccines and my stressing that there’s a difference between correlation and causation.
Fifteen minutes later, I had worked my way to the free-weights room, and “the guy” was doing push-ups and fading fast. He let out a sigh with the last one and I asked, “So how are you doin,’ now that you’ve finished those?” He acknowledged he was glad that they were behind him, and we started to talk. There was nothing profound. It was basically a five-minute exchange about exercise, gym equipment, and technique, for which “Ben” thanked me as I left.
Establishing rapport is important if we ever hope to transition from light -hearted conversations about the weather or gym practices to actually sharing ideas. It’s a process that can take minutes, days, or never happen at all. Within that rapport, a level of trust can develop which enables relationships to form. And what relationships wouldn’t benefit from engaged listening? (To be discussed in the not-so-distant future)
In this case, developing rapport was expedited a little as we started with something in common - our mutual appreciation of physical conditioning. The accompanying types of eye contact and body language we send and receive are contributing factors as to whether any given conversation will even get off the ground.
General vibes and emotional tones can also figure in. I would never have tried to strike up a conversation with Ben if all my ducks had not been in a row. If he were slamming around weights, accompanied by a friend, or we were in a room with a loud TV, I would have passed. Though he may have been naive or lacked insight, I had no reason to believe that he was bad-intentioned.
For two people from different worlds to have a civil conversation about anything in 2023, is a tiny step in the right direction. I suspect there are naysayers out there who would question - why bother, nothing’s going to change? To them I would answer, maybe not, but I don’t think it’s a waste of time, because people tend to listen to those who they respect. What if I turned out to be a different type of person than he would have expected? What if, God forbid, he turned out to be a different person than I had expected?
It’s easier to demean or dehumanize a complete stranger than it is someone who has demonstrated the smallest act of kindness.