Listening Basics - Showing Up is Not Enough
NUMBER 3 - THE PARTY SCENE - A Four Minute Read)
Decreasing the divide between Us and Them requires at least a rudimentary understanding of “Them.” And understanding, starts with some serious listening.
Most of us have been there - we’re at a friend’s holiday party or sizable work gathering when in walks a guy we’ve never seen before. Maybe his nose seems a bit inclined toward the ceiling as he scans the room. When he starts to fumble with his cell phone, it dawns on you that he probably doesn’t know anyone here. You decide to be welcoming and walk over to introduce yourself.
He’s still scanning the room as you approach, even though you’re now five feet in front of him. You look up slightly to catch his eyes, but that’s not happenin.’ He somehow manages to look right through you. As you commit to engage him, he turns toward the side and glances out the window toward the trash cans. And it’s those dented, rusted vessels of nothingness that return a most appropriate glance.
He’s told you six ways to Sunday that he is not interested in talking with you, and yet not one word was spoken. How did he so knowingly do that and have we ever done the same?
So, What Just Happened?
First off, did you find yourself judging, either the new guy or the person approaching him? I found myself judging the unfriendly jerk, and I was the one who created him. Right out of the starting gate, I have a bias because I’m more extrovert than introvert. I look at social interactions from that viewpoint - and rarely, for instance, from that of a guy who’s dealing with social anxiety.
How would it have changed if I had given a description of the new guy? What about his age, or how he was dressed? How about if he was instead, she? Skin color? What if I described seeing “Autism Speaks” emblazoned on his shirt? Imagine that he was wearing a pair of sunglasses at an evening party.
So much could, and maybe should be taken into consideration before we even take our first step in this scenario. Once we make our move, we unfortunately emit non-verbal signals like pheromones from a feral cat. In spite of our best intentions, we might have made this bashful guy quite uncomfortable.
In my first two posts on engaged listening, I addressed the importance of being intentional and respectful. Here are the links for the related posts - November 10th, & November 24th
Today, I’ll add the importance of paying attention to non-verbal cues - coming or going.
Maybe the first part of respecting someone is respecting their space. Some people may not even welcome a “Hello,” let alone an actual conversation with a stranger.
But, just for kicks and giggles, let’s imagine that instead of the new guy turning toward the window as you approach, he offers a relatively meek “Hi,” in response to yours. You’ve broken the ice. Introducing yourself with a firm, though not pain inducing handshake, you’ve sent a clear message and it’s a chance for him to send his. Since there’s good eye contact as he responds in kind, you’re actually off to a good start.
After a few pleasantries are exchanged, you realize this guy is new to the area - and becoming more at ease. He’s certainly not threatening. You notice that he’s looking directly at you and yet avoiding the intimidating stare. You’ve gleaned that you have a couple things in common - so the conversation is now less strained and has actually become interesting.
As you’re talking, you get a text, and seeing that it’s not urgent, you apologize and silence the phone in front of him. That is the twenty-first century equivalent of tipping your hat and bowing. It is a disproportionately large signal of respect, and it cannot to be over-rated.
So much of non-verbal communication amounts to letting the other party know that you are fully present.
Eliminating as many distractions as possible is a good place to start. For example, pivoting your position may be necessary to avoid being distracted by news as it scrolls by on the screen behind your conversation partner. Turning down the music in the background conveys that this conversation is important to you and who wouldn’t welcome that overture?
Periodic appropriate gestures and subtle head nods may also let that partner know you’re paying attention, whether or not you’re in agreement. Even one’s posture and shoulder position may confer boredom or interest. All of the above-mentioned factors add up like vectors and influence the overall direction the conversation is likely to take. You are not an innocent bystander, but a participant in something that could leave you both in a better place.
Please stay tuned for Part Four - where we’ll actually start throwing words around.
I'm really enjoying this series Mark. As a lifelong salesman, I learned the importance of listening. I feel that a part of my success was due to the fact that I never walked into an account and just started "selling" before I even knew what they needed or wanted. I try to apply this to my everyday interactions but I am learning that there is always room for improvement.
When I managed teams, I always kept a list of the things I most disliked about my own interactions with bosses. Number 1 on the list was talking to a back hunched over a keyboard. Number 2 was talking to a pair of eyes that drift to a phone or screen every time a ding dinged, and they dinged a lot. My solution was to arrive two or three hours before everyone else, get caught up on the things I needed to get done and early was good because I worked with offices around the world. When 8:30 rolled around and people started to show up, I was ready to give them my full attention. 100% willingly given attention, because their concerns were important. Working long days could feel taxing at times, but it was a price I was willing to pay so my team knew I respected them and was there to do what I could to facilitate their work. I wasn’t a great boss, but my colleagues never attempted to lynch me in the parking lot or firebomb my car. That’s something.