Can We at Least Agree - Our World Would be a Better Place if We Listened to Each Other?
A Short Intro to Active Listening
Lessening the divide between Us AND Them requires at least a rudimentary understanding of “Them.” And that understanding of Them, starts with some serious listening.
Unlike most people, I not only think I’m right, I know I am. There’s no reason for me to listen; since I’m at a point where I can just pass judgement or dispense wisdom. Disclaimer: I fully acknowledge that the last couple of sentences bear no resemblance to reality, however, my crappy listening skills at times might suggest otherwise.
A month ago, I had a phone conversation with someone I had not spoken to in a couple years. She made a comment which I completely disagreed with, so I let her have it, in a nice, “respectable” way. But it wasn’t either.
Though I was feeling pretty good about myself for not raising my voice, an objective observer, would have probably pointed out - that’s a sign of basic civility, not necessarily respect. It was my words alone that did the most damage to effective communication.
I presented a short rundown of the many ways she was wrong, but my comments could have easily been interpreted as - “How could you possibly be so stupid, let me count the ways?”
In the end, I missed an opportunity to learn about where her comment and the underlying beliefs came from. Just as importantly, I missed an opportunity to reconnect with a decent woman, and a fascinating life. As it turned out, our conversation was relatively short and minimal reflection hollered - “What a shocker!”
Periodically I’m reminded that I am not a great communicator. More times than not, that has its origins in my being a suboptimal listener. As I continue to grovel along in my attempts to improve those skills, I’d like to share the pearls that I uncover along the way.
Being a good listener starts with being intentional.
But I wasn’t. I’d had heard the talking point before, so I was on autopilot.
Being a good listener starts with being respectful.
But I wasn’t. How could I be, since I knew I was right. Unfortunately, I was right only through my set of experiences and filters.
Being a good listener starts with . . . (drum roll) . . . LISTENING!
At that moment, I saw no need to. However, in this troubled world, there’s more demand for serious listening skills and growth- than ever.
If my goals behind engaging in a conversation are enlightenment or conversion, my first thought should be - get real. With that starting point, I have a fair shot at eventually becoming a better listener. Please let me know your thoughts - How would the world be a better place if people with different views actually listened to each other?
I think a lot of us have this problem.
The hardest part for me is wanting to dump it all on them at once. Hasn't worked very well. This seems to bring down the temperature:
Listen to what the person says. Summarize it back to them. When they nod in agreement, state only one point you differ on.
Rinse, Repeat.
And keep practicing. 🙃