I was raised to never question authority, and as I am by nature a rule follower, I didn't question this until my 30's. I didn't understand why people didn't follow the rules. (Part of it is also that I'm a middle child, with the perfect middle child complex and Type B personality.)
I did A LOT of reading in my 30's about things I'd never thought of before; it's when I went from mostly nonfiction to almost exclusively nonfiction.
Reading about race and privilege and intersectionality and the prison-industrial conplex and the war on drugs and healthcare and religion....
It opened my eyes. And shamed me.
Education is the best remedy. And it doesn't require an ivy league one, or even a college one at all! It's being willing to learn other perspectives, know other stories, see other sides, accept different interpretations. And, it's about being willing to apply that learning in ways that shift your paradigm; create a cognitive dissonance, if you will.
Mark, as you know from reading my Substack, I avoid sectarian religious discussions and partisan politics. About the only time I will take the bait is when a Mr. DiCaprio or a Mr. Gore tells me to reduce my carbon footprint. I loathe that level of hypocrisy. Until they reduce their emissions to my level, they need to keep their mouths shut. See why I prefer to avoid those kinds of discussions?
I am also keenly aware that some of my subscribers have completely different views from me on a wide topic of opinions, but I don’t care, because I like them as people and not as ideologies. I do try to listen when they tell how they arrived at their opinions and I often find I understand why they believe the way they do, even though we arrived at different conclusions.
As you know, I lived many years in socialist and post-communist countries and may have adopted a viewpoint on those political systems that would not match, say, AOC’s perspective. My perspective is based on years of experience that lead to certain conclusions about political systems and political power, and yet, when all the shouting is done, we probably want the same things: color blind and bank account blind justice, decent education for our children, adequate access to healthcare, affordable housing, a healthy environment, and decent jobs that pay a living wage. How we achieve some of those things may result in a difference of opinion, but not our shared interest in achieving those goals.
That willingness to listen to one another is too often drowned out by MAGA this or Commie that. I observed that kind of dehumanization in places like the Balkans, Rwanda, Zimbabwe, and now South Africa. Call your political opponents commies or MAGAts, and you have taken the first steps down a tragic road that ends in bloodshed. A really good way to avoid that chain of events is to shut up and listen, then have conversations that omit hyperbole. I once had a bumper sticker that said “Eshew Obfuscation.” Now I might sport one that reads “Eschew Hyperbole,” and next to it, another one that urges “I Don’t Care What You Do, But Please Don’t Do It in the Streets and Scare the Horses.” Along with listening, practice tolerance, and that goes for everybody.
I believe religion is a wonderful force for good in the world as long as it’s not imposed by law or violence. During my career, I have worked with Catholics, Sunni Muslims, Mennonites, Buddhists, Seventh Day Adventists, Shiite Muslims, atheists, Baptists, Jews, Mormons, and all the other brands in between. In every group, I have met not just a few who shared my deepest values and we worked together as friends and as a family to make life a little easier for struggling people. It is impossible to hate someone for their politics, their religion, or their race when you know them as individuals and share similar core values. I’ll say it again: It is impossible to hate someone for their politics, their religion, or their race when you know them as individuals and share similar core values.
Sure, there are psychopaths and assholes in every group, but they do not represent or define the honest souls. The good folks are easy to find and even easier to love, and when we work together in good faith, there are few limits for what we can achieve.
So now, I will take my own advice to shut up and listen. There’s a lot of goodness out there just waiting for us to put it to use. Let’s do it.
"There were a few questions asked, followed by a short discussion of our options. He decided to spare us the part where our parents would pick us up at the station." A wise policeman with a lesson not soon forgotten. Everyone deserves a second chance. " I had attainable goals within reach. Not everyone is so blessed." Exactly so, Mark. Kids need fair rules so they know what is expected of them -- and they never rise to low expectations. I have found your suggestion of asking “tell me more” to be very valuable, especially when facing someone who gets most of their soundbite opinions from social media. They often do not know "more". Nice writing, full of empathy.
I was raised to never question authority, and as I am by nature a rule follower, I didn't question this until my 30's. I didn't understand why people didn't follow the rules. (Part of it is also that I'm a middle child, with the perfect middle child complex and Type B personality.)
I did A LOT of reading in my 30's about things I'd never thought of before; it's when I went from mostly nonfiction to almost exclusively nonfiction.
Reading about race and privilege and intersectionality and the prison-industrial conplex and the war on drugs and healthcare and religion....
It opened my eyes. And shamed me.
Education is the best remedy. And it doesn't require an ivy league one, or even a college one at all! It's being willing to learn other perspectives, know other stories, see other sides, accept different interpretations. And, it's about being willing to apply that learning in ways that shift your paradigm; create a cognitive dissonance, if you will.
We should strive to be uncomfortable!
Overcoming a tendency to judge is a life-long process but well worth the effort.
Beautiful writing. I keep wondering how Jim Ford’s life has gone.
Your marshmallow analogy is so good. I love roasted marshmallows, just not the kind that you describe!
Thank you for tackling the topic of judgement and for offering some ideas to help us stop doing it.
Mark, as you know from reading my Substack, I avoid sectarian religious discussions and partisan politics. About the only time I will take the bait is when a Mr. DiCaprio or a Mr. Gore tells me to reduce my carbon footprint. I loathe that level of hypocrisy. Until they reduce their emissions to my level, they need to keep their mouths shut. See why I prefer to avoid those kinds of discussions?
I am also keenly aware that some of my subscribers have completely different views from me on a wide topic of opinions, but I don’t care, because I like them as people and not as ideologies. I do try to listen when they tell how they arrived at their opinions and I often find I understand why they believe the way they do, even though we arrived at different conclusions.
As you know, I lived many years in socialist and post-communist countries and may have adopted a viewpoint on those political systems that would not match, say, AOC’s perspective. My perspective is based on years of experience that lead to certain conclusions about political systems and political power, and yet, when all the shouting is done, we probably want the same things: color blind and bank account blind justice, decent education for our children, adequate access to healthcare, affordable housing, a healthy environment, and decent jobs that pay a living wage. How we achieve some of those things may result in a difference of opinion, but not our shared interest in achieving those goals.
That willingness to listen to one another is too often drowned out by MAGA this or Commie that. I observed that kind of dehumanization in places like the Balkans, Rwanda, Zimbabwe, and now South Africa. Call your political opponents commies or MAGAts, and you have taken the first steps down a tragic road that ends in bloodshed. A really good way to avoid that chain of events is to shut up and listen, then have conversations that omit hyperbole. I once had a bumper sticker that said “Eshew Obfuscation.” Now I might sport one that reads “Eschew Hyperbole,” and next to it, another one that urges “I Don’t Care What You Do, But Please Don’t Do It in the Streets and Scare the Horses.” Along with listening, practice tolerance, and that goes for everybody.
I believe religion is a wonderful force for good in the world as long as it’s not imposed by law or violence. During my career, I have worked with Catholics, Sunni Muslims, Mennonites, Buddhists, Seventh Day Adventists, Shiite Muslims, atheists, Baptists, Jews, Mormons, and all the other brands in between. In every group, I have met not just a few who shared my deepest values and we worked together as friends and as a family to make life a little easier for struggling people. It is impossible to hate someone for their politics, their religion, or their race when you know them as individuals and share similar core values. I’ll say it again: It is impossible to hate someone for their politics, their religion, or their race when you know them as individuals and share similar core values.
Sure, there are psychopaths and assholes in every group, but they do not represent or define the honest souls. The good folks are easy to find and even easier to love, and when we work together in good faith, there are few limits for what we can achieve.
So now, I will take my own advice to shut up and listen. There’s a lot of goodness out there just waiting for us to put it to use. Let’s do it.
"There were a few questions asked, followed by a short discussion of our options. He decided to spare us the part where our parents would pick us up at the station." A wise policeman with a lesson not soon forgotten. Everyone deserves a second chance. " I had attainable goals within reach. Not everyone is so blessed." Exactly so, Mark. Kids need fair rules so they know what is expected of them -- and they never rise to low expectations. I have found your suggestion of asking “tell me more” to be very valuable, especially when facing someone who gets most of their soundbite opinions from social media. They often do not know "more". Nice writing, full of empathy.