I was raised to never question authority, and as I am by nature a rule follower, I didn't question this until my 30's. I didn't understand why people didn't follow the rules. (Part of it is also that I'm a middle child, with the perfect middle child complex and Type B personality.)
I did A LOT of reading in my 30's about things I'd never thought of before; it's when I went from mostly nonfiction to almost exclusively nonfiction.
Reading about race and privilege and intersectionality and the prison-industrial conplex and the war on drugs and healthcare and religion....
It opened my eyes. And shamed me.
Education is the best remedy. And it doesn't require an ivy league one, or even a college one at all! It's being willing to learn other perspectives, know other stories, see other sides, accept different interpretations. And, it's about being willing to apply that learning in ways that shift your paradigm; create a cognitive dissonance, if you will.
Thanks for your thoughts Joelle and for restacking.
You have hit on such a key point - EDUCATION. To " learn other perspectives, know other stories, see other sides and accept different interpretations" - that's a big chunk of maturity and wisdom!
Mark, as you know from reading my Substack, I avoid sectarian religious discussions and partisan politics. About the only time I will take the bait is when a Mr. DiCaprio or a Mr. Gore tells me to reduce my carbon footprint. I loathe that level of hypocrisy. Until they reduce their emissions to my level, they need to keep their mouths shut. See why I prefer to avoid those kinds of discussions?
I am also keenly aware that some of my subscribers have completely different views from me on a wide topic of opinions, but I don’t care, because I like them as people and not as ideologies. I do try to listen when they tell how they arrived at their opinions and I often find I understand why they believe the way they do, even though we arrived at different conclusions.
As you know, I lived many years in socialist and post-communist countries and may have adopted a viewpoint on those political systems that would not match, say, AOC’s perspective. My perspective is based on years of experience that lead to certain conclusions about political systems and political power, and yet, when all the shouting is done, we probably want the same things: color blind and bank account blind justice, decent education for our children, adequate access to healthcare, affordable housing, a healthy environment, and decent jobs that pay a living wage. How we achieve some of those things may result in a difference of opinion, but not our shared interest in achieving those goals.
That willingness to listen to one another is too often drowned out by MAGA this or Commie that. I observed that kind of dehumanization in places like the Balkans, Rwanda, Zimbabwe, and now South Africa. Call your political opponents commies or MAGAts, and you have taken the first steps down a tragic road that ends in bloodshed. A really good way to avoid that chain of events is to shut up and listen, then have conversations that omit hyperbole. I once had a bumper sticker that said “Eshew Obfuscation.” Now I might sport one that reads “Eschew Hyperbole,” and next to it, another one that urges “I Don’t Care What You Do, But Please Don’t Do It in the Streets and Scare the Horses.” Along with listening, practice tolerance, and that goes for everybody.
I believe religion is a wonderful force for good in the world as long as it’s not imposed by law or violence. During my career, I have worked with Catholics, Sunni Muslims, Mennonites, Buddhists, Seventh Day Adventists, Shiite Muslims, atheists, Baptists, Jews, Mormons, and all the other brands in between. In every group, I have met not just a few who shared my deepest values and we worked together as friends and as a family to make life a little easier for struggling people. It is impossible to hate someone for their politics, their religion, or their race when you know them as individuals and share similar core values. I’ll say it again: It is impossible to hate someone for their politics, their religion, or their race when you know them as individuals and share similar core values.
Sure, there are psychopaths and assholes in every group, but they do not represent or define the honest souls. The good folks are easy to find and even easier to love, and when we work together in good faith, there are few limits for what we can achieve.
So now, I will take my own advice to shut up and listen. There’s a lot of goodness out there just waiting for us to put it to use. Let’s do it.
We all have adequate perspectives to head in the general direction of goodness and truth, and I would not wish my method of gaining perspective on anyone!
"I like them as people not as ideologies" says it all. Color blind and blank account blind justice would be so refreshing. Listening to one another is what I definitely try to do though I occasionally get sucked into the passing whirlwind and lose my ground. Thanks, Switter.
Me, too. Them and us is built into our DNA, which loads the gun, but it’s our minds that choose whether we pull the trigger. We need trigger discipline, which is what you were advocating.
"There were a few questions asked, followed by a short discussion of our options. He decided to spare us the part where our parents would pick us up at the station." A wise policeman with a lesson not soon forgotten. Everyone deserves a second chance. " I had attainable goals within reach. Not everyone is so blessed." Exactly so, Mark. Kids need fair rules so they know what is expected of them -- and they never rise to low expectations. I have found your suggestion of asking “tell me more” to be very valuable, especially when facing someone who gets most of their soundbite opinions from social media. They often do not know "more". Nice writing, full of empathy.
Thank you very much Sharon. Your comments about second chances and "fair rule" are particularly poignant but I would add "consistently administered rules" to catch all wayward youth.
Asking the right questions can very diplomatically enable some to see how shallow their understanding might be. I personally have been on the receiving end of that enlightenment.
As have I, my friend. It taught me to either 1.) keep my mouth shut or 2.) know what the hell I am talking about. I try not to give opinions anymore unless I am prepared to defend them with intelligence. So, ahem, I often keep my mouth shut, and say, "Tell me more about that."
I had a big smile on my face as I read this response because you have captured so well what we all struggle with - knowing when it's just best to keep our mouths shut, and when it isn't. I'm such a novice at that but I am working on it.
I recently had just such a lesson. I grew up on the Mexican border in El Paso Texas and thought I understood the present circumstances. A friend, who I know very well is NOT of the same political perspectives but we do respect each other and are considerate of our differences, shared with me a personal experience. I realized I have been arrogant and that my perspectives were based on now obsolete personal experience that are no longer relevant. I haven't lived on the border in over 35 years.
Thanks Deborah . What you've described is a humbling experience. I've not had the same situation but at least a half-dozen approaching it. Knowing a little about something is a set-up for a big learning experience unless we keep our small or remote experiences in perspective.
How hard it is to let old beliefs go! We rely on them to inform us and, though they may have served us well in the past, as you say, they may be longer valid. The problem lies in our inability or unwillingness to learn something new, I think.
I think it's more of an unwillingness than it is an inability. However, if we've been reinforcing outdated thoughts over and over, even being appropriately corrected once will probably not be enough to change the tide of our current thinking.
My therapist’s signature line is “Unasked-for advice is anathema to human relations.” I think your idea of asking questions is the wonderful opposite of unasked-for advice. I will give myself a new mantra, “Ask a question! No advice!”
Asking someone an honest, expansive question can be liberating and a path toward clarification for the recipient. My wife frequently responds to my questions with another question and my explaining to her what I meant ends up providing the answer I was looking for in the first place. Sorry if that's not very clear.
Listening is actually one of the things people like about me. I developed that trait from being painfully shy in childhood. I listened rather than talked. It’s mainly my older sister who gives advice haha 😂 She’s wonderful though, will do absolutely anything for anyone. I’m blessed in my choice of siblings😍
I was raised to never question authority, and as I am by nature a rule follower, I didn't question this until my 30's. I didn't understand why people didn't follow the rules. (Part of it is also that I'm a middle child, with the perfect middle child complex and Type B personality.)
I did A LOT of reading in my 30's about things I'd never thought of before; it's when I went from mostly nonfiction to almost exclusively nonfiction.
Reading about race and privilege and intersectionality and the prison-industrial conplex and the war on drugs and healthcare and religion....
It opened my eyes. And shamed me.
Education is the best remedy. And it doesn't require an ivy league one, or even a college one at all! It's being willing to learn other perspectives, know other stories, see other sides, accept different interpretations. And, it's about being willing to apply that learning in ways that shift your paradigm; create a cognitive dissonance, if you will.
We should strive to be uncomfortable!
Thanks for your thoughts Joelle and for restacking.
You have hit on such a key point - EDUCATION. To " learn other perspectives, know other stories, see other sides and accept different interpretations" - that's a big chunk of maturity and wisdom!
Overcoming a tendency to judge is a life-long process but well worth the effort.
You would be spot on
Beautiful writing. I keep wondering how Jim Ford’s life has gone.
Your marshmallow analogy is so good. I love roasted marshmallows, just not the kind that you describe!
Thank you for tackling the topic of judgement and for offering some ideas to help us stop doing it.
You're welcome Heather and thanks for the friendly prod.
Mark, as you know from reading my Substack, I avoid sectarian religious discussions and partisan politics. About the only time I will take the bait is when a Mr. DiCaprio or a Mr. Gore tells me to reduce my carbon footprint. I loathe that level of hypocrisy. Until they reduce their emissions to my level, they need to keep their mouths shut. See why I prefer to avoid those kinds of discussions?
I am also keenly aware that some of my subscribers have completely different views from me on a wide topic of opinions, but I don’t care, because I like them as people and not as ideologies. I do try to listen when they tell how they arrived at their opinions and I often find I understand why they believe the way they do, even though we arrived at different conclusions.
As you know, I lived many years in socialist and post-communist countries and may have adopted a viewpoint on those political systems that would not match, say, AOC’s perspective. My perspective is based on years of experience that lead to certain conclusions about political systems and political power, and yet, when all the shouting is done, we probably want the same things: color blind and bank account blind justice, decent education for our children, adequate access to healthcare, affordable housing, a healthy environment, and decent jobs that pay a living wage. How we achieve some of those things may result in a difference of opinion, but not our shared interest in achieving those goals.
That willingness to listen to one another is too often drowned out by MAGA this or Commie that. I observed that kind of dehumanization in places like the Balkans, Rwanda, Zimbabwe, and now South Africa. Call your political opponents commies or MAGAts, and you have taken the first steps down a tragic road that ends in bloodshed. A really good way to avoid that chain of events is to shut up and listen, then have conversations that omit hyperbole. I once had a bumper sticker that said “Eshew Obfuscation.” Now I might sport one that reads “Eschew Hyperbole,” and next to it, another one that urges “I Don’t Care What You Do, But Please Don’t Do It in the Streets and Scare the Horses.” Along with listening, practice tolerance, and that goes for everybody.
I believe religion is a wonderful force for good in the world as long as it’s not imposed by law or violence. During my career, I have worked with Catholics, Sunni Muslims, Mennonites, Buddhists, Seventh Day Adventists, Shiite Muslims, atheists, Baptists, Jews, Mormons, and all the other brands in between. In every group, I have met not just a few who shared my deepest values and we worked together as friends and as a family to make life a little easier for struggling people. It is impossible to hate someone for their politics, their religion, or their race when you know them as individuals and share similar core values. I’ll say it again: It is impossible to hate someone for their politics, their religion, or their race when you know them as individuals and share similar core values.
Sure, there are psychopaths and assholes in every group, but they do not represent or define the honest souls. The good folks are easy to find and even easier to love, and when we work together in good faith, there are few limits for what we can achieve.
So now, I will take my own advice to shut up and listen. There’s a lot of goodness out there just waiting for us to put it to use. Let’s do it.
BTW, you come with a wider perspective than probably 99% of readers which certainly includes me.
We all have adequate perspectives to head in the general direction of goodness and truth, and I would not wish my method of gaining perspective on anyone!
"I like them as people not as ideologies" says it all. Color blind and blank account blind justice would be so refreshing. Listening to one another is what I definitely try to do though I occasionally get sucked into the passing whirlwind and lose my ground. Thanks, Switter.
Me, too. Them and us is built into our DNA, which loads the gun, but it’s our minds that choose whether we pull the trigger. We need trigger discipline, which is what you were advocating.
"There were a few questions asked, followed by a short discussion of our options. He decided to spare us the part where our parents would pick us up at the station." A wise policeman with a lesson not soon forgotten. Everyone deserves a second chance. " I had attainable goals within reach. Not everyone is so blessed." Exactly so, Mark. Kids need fair rules so they know what is expected of them -- and they never rise to low expectations. I have found your suggestion of asking “tell me more” to be very valuable, especially when facing someone who gets most of their soundbite opinions from social media. They often do not know "more". Nice writing, full of empathy.
Thank you very much Sharon. Your comments about second chances and "fair rule" are particularly poignant but I would add "consistently administered rules" to catch all wayward youth.
Asking the right questions can very diplomatically enable some to see how shallow their understanding might be. I personally have been on the receiving end of that enlightenment.
As have I, my friend. It taught me to either 1.) keep my mouth shut or 2.) know what the hell I am talking about. I try not to give opinions anymore unless I am prepared to defend them with intelligence. So, ahem, I often keep my mouth shut, and say, "Tell me more about that."
I had a big smile on my face as I read this response because you have captured so well what we all struggle with - knowing when it's just best to keep our mouths shut, and when it isn't. I'm such a novice at that but I am working on it.
I recently had just such a lesson. I grew up on the Mexican border in El Paso Texas and thought I understood the present circumstances. A friend, who I know very well is NOT of the same political perspectives but we do respect each other and are considerate of our differences, shared with me a personal experience. I realized I have been arrogant and that my perspectives were based on now obsolete personal experience that are no longer relevant. I haven't lived on the border in over 35 years.
Thanks Deborah . What you've described is a humbling experience. I've not had the same situation but at least a half-dozen approaching it. Knowing a little about something is a set-up for a big learning experience unless we keep our small or remote experiences in perspective.
How hard it is to let old beliefs go! We rely on them to inform us and, though they may have served us well in the past, as you say, they may be longer valid. The problem lies in our inability or unwillingness to learn something new, I think.
I think it's more of an unwillingness than it is an inability. However, if we've been reinforcing outdated thoughts over and over, even being appropriately corrected once will probably not be enough to change the tide of our current thinking.
My therapist’s signature line is “Unasked-for advice is anathema to human relations.” I think your idea of asking questions is the wonderful opposite of unasked-for advice. I will give myself a new mantra, “Ask a question! No advice!”
Asking someone an honest, expansive question can be liberating and a path toward clarification for the recipient. My wife frequently responds to my questions with another question and my explaining to her what I meant ends up providing the answer I was looking for in the first place. Sorry if that's not very clear.
ha ha ha! Good luck with that!
Listening is actually one of the things people like about me. I developed that trait from being painfully shy in childhood. I listened rather than talked. It’s mainly my older sister who gives advice haha 😂 She’s wonderful though, will do absolutely anything for anyone. I’m blessed in my choice of siblings😍
Yay!
Thanks again for restacking Sharon.