Better Listening - Judge Less, Reflect More

A THREE MINUTE READ

Last month I offered my readers an opportunity to throw their suggestions for an upcoming newsletter topic - into the hat. Well, my hearty thanks go out to those who participated.

The topic that was lifted out of that hat was - “How can we become less judgmental as we listen?” I personally would answer that question with another question. If I had spent even the last twenty-four hours in the shoes of the person in front of me, would I be thinking more like them?

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The descriptors, “bad ass” or “tough,” and my name have never hung out as neighbors in the same sentence. This was particularly true when I started high school.

My family had recently moved to Cherry Hill, NJ, a sprawling suburb of Philly where I knew absolutely no one. I timidly walked through one of the countless glass doors of my new school on the opening day my freshman year. At five-foot-one and 80 pounds, no one would have ever considered me intimidating.

Intimidating would have been Jim Ford, another new freshman. He wasn’t a big guy, but he came from the big city. As an older freshman, he arrived via one of Philadelphia’s juvenile detention centers after getting caught for “breaking and entering.” He had apparently targeted the wrong house and left a blood trail and the end of his pinky as he escaped through a broken window.

We were both on the fringes and basically loners until we discovered each other. Wildly contrasting stories were shared, and new ones generated. He was fun to be with, gutsy and adventurous, but Jimmy certainly wasn’t wholesome. And he never spoke of his family.

Late one night, we were walking across a vacant parking lot when a town cop drove toward us. I don’t remember what we had been up to, but I’m sure it wasn’t covertly planting flowers at the nearby warehouse. As he pulled up next to us, I “nonchalantly” slid my illegal, over-sized knife beneath his car. He had me crawl under the car to retrieve it.

There were a few questions asked, followed by a short discussion of our options. He decided to spare us the part where our parents would pick us up at the station. The knife became his and the lesson-learned was mine. Though it was a miniscule incident, it hit me as a wakeup call. I realized that as part of our developing friendship, I’d taken too many steps up a dead-end road and the red lights were flashing.

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I was blessed with an ambitious, well-principled father who happened to be a huge fan of corporal punishment. I had a loving mother, three siblings, and an extended family who I didn’t want to disappoint. I had a bunch of kind, supportive Boy Scout leaders who had high hopes for me. I had attainable goals within reach. Not everyone is so blessed.

Lest we forget, seemingly small choices can affect the trajectory of anyone’s life.

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Marshmallows - packed with sugar and hot air but no substance.

During conversations, it’s almost natural to fall into judgement.

That would be the process whereby we assess how well another person seems to be doing or thinking - based on our gifts and talents, upbringing, education, resources, and experiences. We are each unique as are the ways we critique or assimilate information. That being said, genuine curiosity combined with a focused effort, can nudge us away from judging and toward a better understanding.

Sometimes requesting clarification such as - “Please help me understand how you came to that conclusion,” can go a long way toward respectful discourse. More times than not, just adding “tell me more” can further elevate the levels of the conversation and be quite educational.

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Some individuals have been trained from an early age to accept, without questioning, anything they’ve been told by authoritative figures. Is it surprising that those same people might gravitate toward tiered structures of authority such as conservative churches, the military, or law enforcement? It is in those environments where scrutinizing information delivered from on high, is never tolerated, much less encouraged. That’s where dissenting thoughts are considered heresy, and fact-checking a radical concept.

Along the same vein, some people are just more comfortable assimilating the thoughts of others than they are generating thoughts of their own. These well-intentioned people may be particularly vulnerable to seemingly sophisticated, agenda-driven truth-spinners.

Occasionally I encounter those whose only approach to discussing complex topics is to reel off over-simplified and meaningless talking points. At that point I have to step back and remind myself - if I were to have fallen into a place where I was fed marshmallows all day every day, my brain would be fluffy too.

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As a middle-aged Jew once reminded me - “Judge Not, or you just might be judged yourself.”

Thanks so much for reading “Us AND Them.”

For a related topic, check out this post from yesteryear.