Many thanks Heather for your input. You certainly bring a different perspective to the topic of listening yourself.
I especially appreciate your comment about - increasing our motive to acquire the skills as we understand the benefits of truly listening. Not surprisingly, the more we practice and focus on what we're doing, the better practitioners we'll be. I had lost interest in resurrecting those skills until recently when I noticed how crummy a communicator I had become.
Regarding - HOW TO BE A BETTER LISTENER, I've just been laying the groundwork including my perspective as someone who struggles with the practice. I will be getting down to the "nuts and bolts" of good listening in subsequent posts on - Engaged Listening." And yes, listening and kindness tend to travel in the same circles.
Hi Mark. You wrote this nice 'additional comment', which seems to have disappeared somewhere into the ether...I am really looking forward to learning from your exploration into listening. It's a gift to be a good listener... so I am grateful that you are tackling the topic! There have been plenty of times that I have been a terrible listener. 😔😖
Here's a copy of your 2nd comment.... maybe it will magically reappear!
"Hello again Heather, Earlier today, I responded to your comments but I'm not seeing them now. Your background brings a valuable perspective to the concept of engaged listening - I appreciate your thoughts. It is truly a skill that needs both practice and intention, neither of which I've been giving proper attention to. I'm hoping to work on that and plan to bring my readers along for the ride as I explore how to be a better listener - especially in this challenging environment. As you suggest, being part of authentic two-way dialog can be very gratifying. Stay tuned."
Thanks Heather - I deleted the second comment after I found the first comment which I thought had disappeared. Too many tabs open I believe - yes a work in progress.
I do look forward to the challenge of expanding my horizons and sharing what I learn in the process.
I think it is appropriate to turn off unconditional positive regard when someone in our life has been nothing but a threat and source of fear and uneasiness.
I whole-heartedly agree. Unconditional positive regard, as I would use it, is an approach. Metaphorically speaking - as a pilot is making an approach to line up with a runway, there may come a time where it's obvious that there's no way this approach is going to end well - and the approach is abandoned, to be tried again. In the example you posed, my response would be to look for another airport.
Even the best of listening skills has their limitations and you gave an excellent example.
I enjoyed both of your posts about listening. You are so right that we need to be intentional about listening. Thank you.
As a decade+ communication skills trainer, I definitely learned a lot over the years from the people I worked with. Two things that stood out: listening is a skill that can be acquired...and people are more receptive to learning those skills when they understand the benefits of being a great listener.
Based on your experiences over the years, can you share some ideas for 'how' to be a better listener? I bet you have some interesting insights!
PS: it's amazing how big a role listening plays in being kind!
Once again, Mark - good stuff! Thank you for your thoughtful posts. Please don't be too hard on yourself in regards to your listening skills. We all falter, and we're all works in progress. The very fact that you're thinking so carefully about this subject says that your intent is in the right place. One other thing: Your questions about engaged listening remind me of the tradition among some native peoples of "council." People sit in a circle and a talking stick is passed from hand to hand. Only the person holding the talking stick may speak. All others listen. And then there's the newer organization of Braver Angels. They sponsor workshops with a similar structure, designed to depolarize differences around political views. "Blues" and "reds" are paired off. First, blue talks and red listens. Then vice versa. I'm not sure how much good it's doing, but at least it's an attempt in the right direction.
Hi Jeanne and thanks again for your thoughts and support.
Fear ye not. I'm not being hard on myself so much as trying to convey to my readers that - I'm no expert on listening and yet I have enjoyed conversations with people who are in many ways so different than me. As you suggested, there's a lot of learning to do.
I really love the concept of indigenous people passing the stick back and forth - which takes away the temptation to throw in a short verbal jab. Braver Angels also seems like it could be helpful but getting past the respective talking points would be a challenge. Still it's encouraging that people are trying to get past just throwing darts at each other. YEA!
Another thought-provoking post, Mark. You can always tell when a person has stopped listening and is just waiting for you to stop talking so they can "enlighten" you with the "correct" opinion.
Thanks Jim. I'm sure we all do what you describe at times. Just raising our awareness that we're doing it would be a move in the right direction, then the challenging part arrives.
Many thanks Heather for your input. You certainly bring a different perspective to the topic of listening yourself.
I especially appreciate your comment about - increasing our motive to acquire the skills as we understand the benefits of truly listening. Not surprisingly, the more we practice and focus on what we're doing, the better practitioners we'll be. I had lost interest in resurrecting those skills until recently when I noticed how crummy a communicator I had become.
Regarding - HOW TO BE A BETTER LISTENER, I've just been laying the groundwork including my perspective as someone who struggles with the practice. I will be getting down to the "nuts and bolts" of good listening in subsequent posts on - Engaged Listening." And yes, listening and kindness tend to travel in the same circles.
Hi Mark. You wrote this nice 'additional comment', which seems to have disappeared somewhere into the ether...I am really looking forward to learning from your exploration into listening. It's a gift to be a good listener... so I am grateful that you are tackling the topic! There have been plenty of times that I have been a terrible listener. 😔😖
Here's a copy of your 2nd comment.... maybe it will magically reappear!
"Hello again Heather, Earlier today, I responded to your comments but I'm not seeing them now. Your background brings a valuable perspective to the concept of engaged listening - I appreciate your thoughts. It is truly a skill that needs both practice and intention, neither of which I've been giving proper attention to. I'm hoping to work on that and plan to bring my readers along for the ride as I explore how to be a better listener - especially in this challenging environment. As you suggest, being part of authentic two-way dialog can be very gratifying. Stay tuned."
Thanks Heather - I deleted the second comment after I found the first comment which I thought had disappeared. Too many tabs open I believe - yes a work in progress.
I do look forward to the challenge of expanding my horizons and sharing what I learn in the process.
I think it is appropriate to turn off unconditional positive regard when someone in our life has been nothing but a threat and source of fear and uneasiness.
Thanks, Susan, for your comment.
I whole-heartedly agree. Unconditional positive regard, as I would use it, is an approach. Metaphorically speaking - as a pilot is making an approach to line up with a runway, there may come a time where it's obvious that there's no way this approach is going to end well - and the approach is abandoned, to be tried again. In the example you posed, my response would be to look for another airport.
Even the best of listening skills has their limitations and you gave an excellent example.
I enjoyed both of your posts about listening. You are so right that we need to be intentional about listening. Thank you.
As a decade+ communication skills trainer, I definitely learned a lot over the years from the people I worked with. Two things that stood out: listening is a skill that can be acquired...and people are more receptive to learning those skills when they understand the benefits of being a great listener.
Based on your experiences over the years, can you share some ideas for 'how' to be a better listener? I bet you have some interesting insights!
PS: it's amazing how big a role listening plays in being kind!
Please see my response above Heather, I misplaced it.
Once again, Mark - good stuff! Thank you for your thoughtful posts. Please don't be too hard on yourself in regards to your listening skills. We all falter, and we're all works in progress. The very fact that you're thinking so carefully about this subject says that your intent is in the right place. One other thing: Your questions about engaged listening remind me of the tradition among some native peoples of "council." People sit in a circle and a talking stick is passed from hand to hand. Only the person holding the talking stick may speak. All others listen. And then there's the newer organization of Braver Angels. They sponsor workshops with a similar structure, designed to depolarize differences around political views. "Blues" and "reds" are paired off. First, blue talks and red listens. Then vice versa. I'm not sure how much good it's doing, but at least it's an attempt in the right direction.
Hi Jeanne and thanks again for your thoughts and support.
Fear ye not. I'm not being hard on myself so much as trying to convey to my readers that - I'm no expert on listening and yet I have enjoyed conversations with people who are in many ways so different than me. As you suggested, there's a lot of learning to do.
I really love the concept of indigenous people passing the stick back and forth - which takes away the temptation to throw in a short verbal jab. Braver Angels also seems like it could be helpful but getting past the respective talking points would be a challenge. Still it's encouraging that people are trying to get past just throwing darts at each other. YEA!
Another thought-provoking post, Mark. You can always tell when a person has stopped listening and is just waiting for you to stop talking so they can "enlighten" you with the "correct" opinion.
Oh, and Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Jim. I'm sure we all do what you describe at times. Just raising our awareness that we're doing it would be a move in the right direction, then the challenging part arrives.