One of my subscribers left me a message on FB which I'd like to pass on -
"The words seem so simple, but yet so profoundly hard for so many. I find that very sad. No one can be right all the time! Communication and compromise are what is the best balm for relationships. Thanks for sharing." Thank you - SZK
Thanks so much for your feedback Steve. My wife and I were recently talking about the challenge AND the many ways of dancing around apologies - some being more effective than others. People can get a sense of how effective an apology has been based on the response of those who were wronged. In my case, I've been blessed with an inability to hold grudges well. I certainly despise the way my father thought of me and treated me but I have let go of my animosity toward him after his sizable attempts at reconciliation.
I wonder if there’s a generational component... do members of “the greatest generation” have a harder time apologizing than baby boomers and millennials? That generation kept a stiff upper lip and endured things stoically, it seems to me, and maybe expanded that outlook to think their children should do the same: endure, work hard, and focus on getting through life not expecting apologies. (I’m not putting this very coherently!)
You put it just fine Karen. I agree and think that when we "endure" certain behaviors that seem unbalanced from our parents, we tend to over-compensate in the other direction. Just two days ago, I traveled one hour and spent the day building a large workbench with and for my son. Since I was the foreman, I told my son, every time I ask for a tool, pretend I said please. I think there would have been a zero percent chance my father would have said please to start with. Parent child relationships were different, and the stoic component was huge . Our kids will no-doubt ride the pendulum the other way.
You sound like such a sweetheart! 🤗 I’m going to try the “pretend I said please” line the next time my husband or daughter helps me with a repetitive task!
I'm honored. As Ronald Reagan said when he visited Costa Rica in the 80's ( and a local journalist had laryngitis just like he did) - Imitation is the highest form of flattery.
When my kids were little. I told them not to say they were sorry- unless they could explain how they would do better next time, or fix the situation they caused. Empty apologies are like thoughts and prayers after a mass shooting. I easily apologize and like Mark, do not hold grudges.
Hi JL - First, thanks for your two cents. I agree with almost all of your comment, especially your "empty apologies " part. However I think it is much better to ERR ON THE SIDE OF APOLOGIZING as soon as you realize you've hurt someone physically or emotionally. AND THEN make a serious effort to minimize the chances that it happens again.
Unfortunately, many times I'm angry or frustrated over something (like a recent shooting) and someone rubs me the wrong way about something completely unrelated. I'm in a funk and they end up on the losing end of it. I frequently don't have the insight to realize why I was nasty until later. I may be "right", based on facts in a disagreement, but I don't have to mean spirited.
As you may know my mother never apologized either and I think some of it had rubbed off a bit on some other family members. If a person apologizes perhaps it makes them feel vulnerable and that is a hard place for some. Some other people just always think they are right no matter what. If a person apologizes they have to admit they did something wrong or that they hurt someone else - I guess that is hard but personally I think it's harder not to apologize especially if you know you hurt the other person. And then there's the kind of person whose apology comes with a million of excuses as to why they said or did the thing they did . Just suck it up and take responsibility.
I am glad your dad didn't use his gun Mark. That must've been a weird night for sure !
Thank you for your kind words and insight. Your comment about apologizing but with a million excuses reminds me of me. But I've gotten a lot better. I now only give a thousand excuses when I apologize - and that's progress.
Wow! I remember apologizing to our youngest on a drive once with my mother. Sally, my daughter of about 12, had to sit behind the seats. I apologized to her on the trip for the inconvenience. "Why did you apologize to her?!!" barked my mother. "Because she is the only one without a seat." I said.
Very interesting in a bummer sort of a way. I wonder how much of this is related to the era people grew up in. But as I say this, my parents were 4 years apart and only my mother would ever apologize. I think the old expression - "children should be seen and not heard" was just an example of how children weren't respected so much in the past as they typically are today. Thank you very much for your input.
My mother had a hard time apologizing to me over incidents which had hurt me. I’m not sure why. I think I over-compensated by apologizing profusely to my daughter over anything that I thought might have hurt her. My first words to her, after I had a terribly long labor and then c-section, were “I’m sorry!” The birth was very hard on her as well as on me, and when I finally first held her I looked into her eyes and fell in love with her and was so sorry she had gone through all that. But I’m sure there are also times I should have apologized but didn’t realize it. And even though I wanted to hear words of apology at times from my own mother, she had many other strengths and wonderful traits which I don’t have.
Thanks for your thoughts Karen. I'm concerned that I get a sense that your still carrying guilt over your daughter's difficult birth. I completely understand how you felt terrible for what she had to go through, but you were in no way guilty of causing it. It was beyond your control at that point.
In retrospect we've all probably made mistakes that have hurt someone where we should have apologized but if that opportunity is completely gone, it's really healthiest to let it go and just try to do better. it's pretty obvious you're a kind and sensitive person. Please treat yourself with that same respect.
I’ve been chewing on the insight of Richard Rohr that if you substitute the word “addiction” for “sin” in the Bible it fits perfectly: “There is none without addiction, no not one” (Romans 3:10). “But the tax collector only said ‘Lord, have mercy on me an addict’ and went away justified” (Luke 18:13). Some are addicted to drugs; some are addicted to anger at people who are addicted to drugs. Which finds it easier to say, “Have mercy on me, an addict”? In my experience it’s (literally) damn hard in either case.
Thanks for your thoughts - I think you're onto something with the first sentence and our creator being overwhelmed by customer support complaints - LOL. I'm scratching my head about the inferences and healing, however.
One of my subscribers left me a message on FB which I'd like to pass on -
"The words seem so simple, but yet so profoundly hard for so many. I find that very sad. No one can be right all the time! Communication and compromise are what is the best balm for relationships. Thanks for sharing." Thank you - SZK
Thanks so much for your feedback Steve. My wife and I were recently talking about the challenge AND the many ways of dancing around apologies - some being more effective than others. People can get a sense of how effective an apology has been based on the response of those who were wronged. In my case, I've been blessed with an inability to hold grudges well. I certainly despise the way my father thought of me and treated me but I have let go of my animosity toward him after his sizable attempts at reconciliation.
I wonder if there’s a generational component... do members of “the greatest generation” have a harder time apologizing than baby boomers and millennials? That generation kept a stiff upper lip and endured things stoically, it seems to me, and maybe expanded that outlook to think their children should do the same: endure, work hard, and focus on getting through life not expecting apologies. (I’m not putting this very coherently!)
You put it just fine Karen. I agree and think that when we "endure" certain behaviors that seem unbalanced from our parents, we tend to over-compensate in the other direction. Just two days ago, I traveled one hour and spent the day building a large workbench with and for my son. Since I was the foreman, I told my son, every time I ask for a tool, pretend I said please. I think there would have been a zero percent chance my father would have said please to start with. Parent child relationships were different, and the stoic component was huge . Our kids will no-doubt ride the pendulum the other way.
You sound like such a sweetheart! 🤗 I’m going to try the “pretend I said please” line the next time my husband or daughter helps me with a repetitive task!
I'm honored. As Ronald Reagan said when he visited Costa Rica in the 80's ( and a local journalist had laryngitis just like he did) - Imitation is the highest form of flattery.
When my kids were little. I told them not to say they were sorry- unless they could explain how they would do better next time, or fix the situation they caused. Empty apologies are like thoughts and prayers after a mass shooting. I easily apologize and like Mark, do not hold grudges.
Hi JL - First, thanks for your two cents. I agree with almost all of your comment, especially your "empty apologies " part. However I think it is much better to ERR ON THE SIDE OF APOLOGIZING as soon as you realize you've hurt someone physically or emotionally. AND THEN make a serious effort to minimize the chances that it happens again.
Unfortunately, many times I'm angry or frustrated over something (like a recent shooting) and someone rubs me the wrong way about something completely unrelated. I'm in a funk and they end up on the losing end of it. I frequently don't have the insight to realize why I was nasty until later. I may be "right", based on facts in a disagreement, but I don't have to mean spirited.
As you may know my mother never apologized either and I think some of it had rubbed off a bit on some other family members. If a person apologizes perhaps it makes them feel vulnerable and that is a hard place for some. Some other people just always think they are right no matter what. If a person apologizes they have to admit they did something wrong or that they hurt someone else - I guess that is hard but personally I think it's harder not to apologize especially if you know you hurt the other person. And then there's the kind of person whose apology comes with a million of excuses as to why they said or did the thing they did . Just suck it up and take responsibility.
I am glad your dad didn't use his gun Mark. That must've been a weird night for sure !
Thank you for your kind words and insight. Your comment about apologizing but with a million excuses reminds me of me. But I've gotten a lot better. I now only give a thousand excuses when I apologize - and that's progress.
Wow! I remember apologizing to our youngest on a drive once with my mother. Sally, my daughter of about 12, had to sit behind the seats. I apologized to her on the trip for the inconvenience. "Why did you apologize to her?!!" barked my mother. "Because she is the only one without a seat." I said.
ps My mother never apologized for anything.
Very interesting in a bummer sort of a way. I wonder how much of this is related to the era people grew up in. But as I say this, my parents were 4 years apart and only my mother would ever apologize. I think the old expression - "children should be seen and not heard" was just an example of how children weren't respected so much in the past as they typically are today. Thank you very much for your input.
My mother had a hard time apologizing to me over incidents which had hurt me. I’m not sure why. I think I over-compensated by apologizing profusely to my daughter over anything that I thought might have hurt her. My first words to her, after I had a terribly long labor and then c-section, were “I’m sorry!” The birth was very hard on her as well as on me, and when I finally first held her I looked into her eyes and fell in love with her and was so sorry she had gone through all that. But I’m sure there are also times I should have apologized but didn’t realize it. And even though I wanted to hear words of apology at times from my own mother, she had many other strengths and wonderful traits which I don’t have.
Thanks for your thoughts Karen. I'm concerned that I get a sense that your still carrying guilt over your daughter's difficult birth. I completely understand how you felt terrible for what she had to go through, but you were in no way guilty of causing it. It was beyond your control at that point.
In retrospect we've all probably made mistakes that have hurt someone where we should have apologized but if that opportunity is completely gone, it's really healthiest to let it go and just try to do better. it's pretty obvious you're a kind and sensitive person. Please treat yourself with that same respect.
That’s very kind... thank you!
I’ve been chewing on the insight of Richard Rohr that if you substitute the word “addiction” for “sin” in the Bible it fits perfectly: “There is none without addiction, no not one” (Romans 3:10). “But the tax collector only said ‘Lord, have mercy on me an addict’ and went away justified” (Luke 18:13). Some are addicted to drugs; some are addicted to anger at people who are addicted to drugs. Which finds it easier to say, “Have mercy on me, an addict”? In my experience it’s (literally) damn hard in either case.
Hi Steve, I'm not sure why I hadn't noticed this comment or responded a year ago. Sorry, but I do like it.
Thanks for your thoughts - I think you're onto something with the first sentence and our creator being overwhelmed by customer support complaints - LOL. I'm scratching my head about the inferences and healing, however.
Lots of reading to dig into when I get the time.
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