Grief and Gratitude in a Dead Heat

A FOUR MINUTE READ

Disclaimer - There is very little that is actually unique to my loss or grief. This and my recent posts are merely one person’s take on an experience that is unfortunately a normal part of life. My hopes are that sharing my perspective might help lighten the load of at least one person down the road.

If I had to describe the earliest days after Emily’s departure, the words numb, and empty would certainly have come to mind. As you might imagine, those feelings are not conducive to writing, but sometimes even fleeting thoughts have an uncanny ability to sneak their way onto a blank page. Such was the case with "Savoring the Last Carefree Kiss" which I published a few days after what would have been our 48th anniversary.

I had just returned from a two-week venture down south only to rediscover a house stuffed with Emily’s presence and yet strikingly empty. I had anticipated that my return and the looming “holiday” would be a challenge. But I was naive as to how much of a challenge it would be. Through the process, I’ve come to the conclusion that - so much of the grieving process is out of my control, but that’s not to say that I can’t nudge the helm of the ship.

---

I hereby declare that my recent wedding anniversary will be the low point on my path toward recovery. And that healing, has nothing to do with forgetting Emily, but everything to do with adapting to her loss. My deep love for her is not lessened in any way as I share it with others. I see this as a major mid-course correction with rough waters still ahead, but I expect them to be of lesser magnitude and frequency.

---

To say that I’ve been blessed is an understatement.

---

Being immersed in the loving support of my family, my UCC church, neighbors, and friends far and wide including here, it’s fair to say - my cup runneth over. I’ll also add that, my bride has been letting her presence be known.

I’m grateful that the people who mattered most to Emily had a year to express their gratitude for her presence in their lives and vice versa, and to say “goodbye.” So many mourners would give anything to have had a five-minute conversation or reckoning with a loved one before they departed.

I’m grateful that Emily died at home as she wished, in the company of those she treasured. She was not deteriorating as a burden to others nor at the cost to others such as those fleeing continual violence in Gaza or Ukraine while deathly ill.

She and I were eternally grateful for a wonderful forty-eight years and our offspring who we got to bond with and enjoy in countless ways. As one wise friend helped me realize - some of us who have known love might still be a tad bit jealous of your marriage which endured through so many years.

And I’m grateful that we had wonderful insurances to deal with more than $700k worth of medical bills. Most people around the world would not have had access to the high level of care which provided several months of an enjoyable existence which Emily called “months of icing.” I would add that even most Americans would not have had retirement funds to dig into for such large out-of-pocket expenses.

And then there was Hospice and their compassionate staff who helped enable Emily to lessen her symptoms and actually sleep. They were wonderful!

And yes, I thank God every day for the opportunity to grow under such a remarkable, loving and kind mentor. Emily is in a better place, and I look forward to soaring with her again - but rest assured, I’m gonna wait my turn.

Thank you all for letting me vent in this most recent, self-imposed therapy session. Stay tuned for “Help from Beyond in Troubled Times”

---