The Ultimate Gift Might Be a Listening Ear

A THREE-MINUTE READ

Can I see a show of hands here? How many of you all look forward to really listening to someone who’s very opinionated at the holiday table? How about “kind of” listening to that same person? Exactly as I anticipated, I didn’t see a single hand go up. I wouldn’t relish the idea either.

One of my more recent posts was - When is it OK to Give Up on a Fellow Human? Though I think my experience was a good example of not giving up, even under fairly extreme circumstances, I fully acknowledge that we all have limited resources of time and patience. When we encounter brick walls of intolerance, extremism, or arrogance for example, the best path forward might be to just walk around the obstacle.

In the majority of situations however, engaged listening can turn differences of opinions into better understanding and therefore improved relationships.

Photography by Priscilla Du Preez - used with permission

Who among us doesn’t enjoy telling their story? It’s got some fairly universal appeal in the right environments. And we can provide that safe place and set the tone as we ask questions. Although true/ false or specific questions may be relatively easy to come up with, they can actually be intimidating to the listener based on their current situation. They can also be very conducive to one-word answers. They tend to funnel the conversation more than expand it.

The more specific the question, the less freedom the other conversant has to take the conversation where they’re the most comfortable, and therefore the most honest.

Though I’ve clearly been guilty of doing the opposite, I do know better. The explicit questions that may have been delivered out of friendly curiosity, may be received as a form of interrogation.

Questions can also be too broad. “What’s up?” at least in my experience rarely goes anywhere useful unless “Not much” is what you’re after. Asking expansive questions lets that long lost friend or relative take the driver’s seat.

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This type of question enables people to dig deeply and tell their story or just skim the surface - at their discretion. And that goes both ways. If there’s some fairly balanced give and take and an expansive question is offered, there’s lots of potential for a satisfying conversation.

 Examples might be -

      What inspires you?

      Tell me about one of your heroes.

      What surprises you most about living in your new city?

      Does your work bring you satisfaction?

      What was the best part of your day so far?

      Can you help me understand how you came to that conclusion?

      Can you think of a downside to what you just suggested?

             and the frequently useful prod - “Tell me more.”    

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By truly listening, we provide a comfortable place for someone to speak - and be heard. One of the largest impediments to being a good listener is our continuous temptation to interject our views or insight. Truth be told, we typically spend considerably more effort trying to figure out how to respond than we do trying to understand or take in what another person is saying.

We know we’re getting somewhere when either party thinks or admits - “Wow, I never thought of it that way.”

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I love the concept of the “Talking stick” initially used as a tool of indigenous democracies in our Pacific Northwest. This would be passed around council meetings, “Powwows” or when storytelling to enable the speaker to have uncontested attention and the respect of those in attendance. That stick is part of their cultural world.

Expanding our perspective and understanding is what relationship building is all about - and to think, it can start merely by listening to another’s story.