Stepping Back, to Get Our Best Shot at Moving Forward
Or "What on Earth Just Happened."
Periodically, I find myself immersed in a conversation with a friend or acquaintance when I notice two different types of subtle changes in their demeanor. The first may be the wobbling of their upper body with closed eyes and almost a snoring sound. I take this to be a good sign - that maybe I have a soothing voice. There’s another pattern I’ve noticed - maybe the twitching of their eyes, a little foam leaking between pursed lips or clenched fists pounding on hard surfaces near my head. I’m a pretty perceptive guy so when I see either of these patterns, I have this little timer that goes off in my head - and within say 10 minutes I automatically shut off my efforts at enlightening them. ONE DAY I LEARNED THAT ALL MY FRIENDS AREN’T ALIKE!
George is one of my best chums here in our small mid-western town. He is very active in local causes that help the poor and the disadvantaged. We both enjoy things like tinkering with and riding our motorcycles, though his are Harleys and mine is a Kawasaki - quite different though fundamentally the same. He’s helped me attach the wings on the ultralight airplane I was building. We do occasional bacon and eggs at the local diner but mainly just appreciate shooting the breeze.
Speaking of shooting, we’re both gun owners who would never support nixing the Second Amendment. However, he worked for decades as an FBI agent, and I’ve worked for decades as a Physician Assistant doing a lot of ER shifts. I’ve worked in a couple of refugee camps. We’ve both seen first hand what bullets can do and yet we have widely different views on gun safety . . . and a few other hot button topics.
A few months ago we were having a nice, low-key discussion at a town park during a festival. Then the exchange of ideas drifted toward something political. Over the course of less than fifteen minutes, it became progressively more heated until all of a sudden George threw up his hands signaling - “TIME OUT”. . . I’m really not used to that! He then followed up with - “ I value our friendship too much to continue this conversation.” With minimal reflection, I not only agreed but especially appreciated his mentally stepping back and establishing boundaries. This was a most valuable lesson for me.
Every conversation or transaction that we participate in has potential risks, benefits, and opportunity costs. We each have the option of grabbing the steering wheel when we see falling “rocks” up ahead. How would things be different if every time we witnessed an interaction going sour, we merely stepped back and asked - “What’s the most important thing to take away from this moment?
Any similar experience ? I would love to hear your thoughts. Please SUBSCRIBE with the RED button and support my writing - it’s free. Thank you for joining me, Mark
As you say, there is always a risk/benefit calculation when engaging in any conversation, whether with a stranger, or with a long-time friend. Having been raised in an environment where questioning dogma was like talking into a black hole, I have decided life is too short not to stand up for my worldview. However, it's also important to me not to develop dogma. I always want to be in a mental space where I can hear others, even if we disagree. Also, kindness matters.