Enlightened by Loss

I’ve always enjoyed taking on a good challenge and the surprises that go with it. The degree to which we truly live, sure seems to be influenced by how much we put ourselves “out there” to learn, and experience . . . and that unfortunately entails risk. With that in mind, I still can’t remember signing up for the class where on March 3rd I would lose my soulmate to cancer. In so many ways it’s all new, but in others, I find myself drawing from a deep well of prior losses and growth.

Significant loss has forced me to immerse myself in places, previously considered - too painful to even touch. But I’m not alone. I’ve been blessed with such a supportive family. A few people who were friends that have now become dear friends. People who I hadn’t even known two months ago who have been key in helping me move forward. Songs that I’d never even heard of before, have found their way on to my Pandora “shuffle mix.” The most recent was Jimmy Buffet’s - Breathe in, Breathe out, Move on. And they all contain healing salve.

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Just for clarification, moving forward has nothing to do with letting go of the person we’ve lost. It has everything to do with - shining the right light on our memories and their place in our hearts.

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So many times, over the years, I’ve found myself making judgements about the losses and grief of others. . . how it must have been so much worse, or so much easier for them than for others. And, I might have been right . . . or absolutely wrong. In hindsight I think I’ve probably been wrong more times than right. My assessments were always built upon my own experiences in life and tons of projections, not theirs.

There’s absolutely no way I could have known or understood what inner strengths or weaknesses the grieving person carried into their loss. Nor could I have understood on any deep level the strengths of relationships between the departed and those left behind. Some would have been much better than I could have ever imagined, and some the opposite. Were there substantial unresolved conflicts? What were the most recent conversations between the departed and those left behind? We’re talking multivariable calculus, and who among us are adept at that!

In 2017, Mark Henricks, a writer and musician from Texas had been immersed in what I would consider one of the worst kinds of grief - a teenage son’s suicide. And he shared his personal thoughts in an article entitled “What is the Worst Kind of Loss.” Though he did cite the work of two British researchers on grief, the comment which particularly caught my eye was that “Individual reactions vary so much that a death that crushes one survivor might practically be shrugged off by someone else.”

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So, what have I learned?

Grief is as unique as the person suffering from it and the relationship that they had with the departed. If my eyes are open, I will encounter people who are in all stages of grief in the months and years to come. Anything I’ve learned in the last six or so months might come to the surface and actually be helpful.

Love is all about cutting people slack. It’s letting them grow in the direction and with the pace that they are most comfortable with. The people who have stood out as the most helpful to me, have done just that. The kind pat on my shoulder as I raced to the exit door after the Easter Service, the gentle squeeze of my forearm as another walked by, the texts with the praying hands, the patience waiting for the right time to call me or vice versa. The newsy updates from a loved one to remind me that there is so much to smile about. Every one of them was a nudge in the right direction.

I need to be OK with the fact that when someone else is grieving, my timing for what should be most helpful may not always match theirs. The recent invitations for meals, prods to get back into the groove etc have all been so well-timed and therefore especially helpful. And I’m so grateful for all of the above.

Probably the most touching of kindnesses was from a friend who handed me a beautiful poem, and some homemade muffins on May 3rd - while gently reminding me that today especially, you might need these.