Desensitization; Maybe a Viable Option

I’m not a - walk slowly into a cold ocean - type guy. Unlike Emily who would do just that over the course of five minutes, I’m a - get my butt in there as quickly as possible - type guy. That’s not because I’m courageous or have a high “pain” threshold, that would be Emily. I’ve merely done the math and for me, it only makes sense to transition through the misery as quickly as possible - all done, now I can enjoy myself.

I fully recognize that grief will never be over and done with. But, at least for me, timely and deliberate actions seem to help me usher what was initially an agonizing pain, toward the background where it’s now more of a dull ache.

Photo taken by the kind waitress at Madrez Cafe, Elkhorn, WI

Yesterday, after working for several days on a neglected lawn and Emily’s gardens, I figured it’s time for a break and headed out for a motorcycle ride - destination unknown. I was maybe ten miles out of town, headed north when I passed the “Madrez Cafe.” Since it was there that we’d shared our last enjoyable meal out together, I felt compelled to make a U-turn.

Five minutes later I was seated at the same table we’d been to five months earlier and yes, it was sad. I reflected on all that Emily had been through over the interim. Between sips of good strong coffee and bites of a cinnamon bun, I was able to appreciate that her suffering was indeed over and that mine was beginning to fade. I located the above picture on my phone and was quite sure it was taken by the woman who seated me. When I subsequently asked her if she remembered taking it, she was non-committal. As I painfully revealed that my wife had died in early March, she was not hesitant in offering her sincere sympathy.

I still wonder what prompted me to tell a stranger about my loss. It sure didn’t make her day any brighter but maybe I sensed that she was the kind of person who wouldn’t mind taking on a tiny bit of my load - because I did walk out feeling a little lighter.

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From the cafe, I headed north and within five minutes felt a characteristic ping on my neck which was followed by a progressive stinging sensation . . . and within minutes a palpable welt. The wind in my face is an important part of why I like to ride on two wheels. Periodically I’m reminded that there’s a small price to pay for that indulgence but also a larger benefit. All that was present when I got home was a small red dot - I’m becoming immunized!

Addendum 5/14/25 - the only reason I mentioned the bee or wasp sting is because I wanted to draw the analogy between smallish exposures to painful memories of my late wife and periodic exposures to Hymenoptera stings - over time we could develop an immunity to both.

Photo by author actually taken last summer

Thank You for joining me here.